Pause

I'm stealing borrowing the name of today's post from a far-away friend, whom I've only seen once in the past, oh, five years?, and keep up with mostly through comments on Facebook statuses. Somehow in all of that, I still feel a connection in our lives. See, technology can't be all bad.

She recently started a blog, aptly named Pause, as a New Year's resolution to do just that in her life.

I'm envious of that. Pause is something I most certainly have not been doing since January 1.

Just look at the last post date of this blog. Over a week. I haven't taken pause to organize my thoughts, update my friends, enjoy some moments to myself, or even be happy in my new job.

Instead, I have been frantic. I have been overloaded. I have been weighed down by new things. I have felt the burden of an unrealistic "to do" list that will never be fully accomplished. I have felt guilty about this. I have let myself believe that every single day I am letting others down by not doing enough or being enough or accomplishing enough. 

Even the dog. Those big brown eyes, so used to having my in the house all day every day... I couldn't take it any more an hired a dog walker. (I love how we I think I can alleviate guilt by throwing money at it.)

It was a rough two weeks settling into the new job. I wasn't mentally prepared to be going into an office every day (I kept thinking about the mess at home, or the things to take to the dry cleaners, or the projects half started). I also walked into a perfect storm of sorts where the other account managers happened to be on travel, and lots of crazy stuff happened with the clients, and there I was, dealing with it best I could on my own. Everything was flying around me, and I just couldn't feel like I was settled and under control.

This week has been significantly better, and yesterday -- last night in particular -- I tried to take my friend's inspiration and pause. (If you count sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and Modern Family pause, which I totally do.)

I finally got into an office space that I can start making my own, my peers are back, everything got done last week and I wasn't fired for any of it. The dog is getting her exercise, I'm getting my mind back to preparing the house (dinners, cleaning, shopping, errands) for being done on weekends, and, best of all, the sun is staying out just a little bit longer every day.

I'm embarrassed (not the right word... frustrated? disappointed in myself?) at how much I let the franticness of the past two weeks get to me -- really, really get to me, deep inside. But maybe with the reminder of a new blog on my reader, I can remember to pause, too.